Chew With Your Mouth Shut

Chewing loudly is one of the seven slightly irritating sins.

One of the most annoying sounds I often hear is people eating food loudly. I’m not talking about the clinking of silverware or the slight simmering of the food fresh out of the bowl. No I have no problem with that. Its the person chewing the food. Their open-mouthed chomping mixed with their struggled breath in between mouthfuls of food.

The food can not help it. It was made to be consumed. All it did was sit in a grocery store aisle, looking slightly appealing. I’m sure if food could talk it would apologize for its transgression. The fact that it dared to interrupt my peace of mind. Disgraceful. If it weren’t for foods need to be consumed, my realm of almost complete silence would be intact.

How dare the person put that food in this horrible scenario.  If they just shut their mouths all of this could be avoided. The need for them to keep opening their face holes and never quite closing them seems like too much to ask. Their stupid faces being stuffed just because they never want to stop their attack on their plate.

Why should I be troubled with telling them how to behave? I’m sitting with another adult that has not the slightest idea that they’re irritating me. Wheeze. Pick up bite of food. Wheeze. Shove food down mouth. Wheeze. Close mouth enough to make food mushy,but not enough to actually close mouth. What an abhorrent cycle.

It is a tragedy that I must bare this burden in silence. Could you imagine the fallout of telling someone to shut their annoying faces for a single second. Is the slight discomfort of telling someone to close their mouths greater than the annoyance that it causes? This is the type of question that Greek scholars would ponder while watching their emperor stuff their mouth. Is execution worse than loud chewing? I’m starting to think not.

So instead of enjoying my meal with a friend I must keep my mouth closed while they keep their’s wide open.

Woe is me.